just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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