Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Panties = found
Randomize
