need another drink. this is the easiest way
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Man, jail baloney is awful.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
