Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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