we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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