my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
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