I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
