the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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