My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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