just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
