Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
