Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
