she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
