It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
