Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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