I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
