RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize