omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
