you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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