She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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