Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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