i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
