a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
