Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
