Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Randomize
