I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
