u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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