she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
