I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize