Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize