My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
