k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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