What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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