i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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