I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
how does that bad decision feel?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
