yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
