I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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