Whatcha textin bout Willis?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
