Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
