Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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