If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
ttyl tear gas
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
