I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
