i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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