Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
and you fell through a lawn chair
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
