I accidentally had phone sex last night
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
