You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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