my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
