He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
