her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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