Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
