I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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