when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize