Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Randomize
