Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Randomize
