First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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