Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
